What’s Important?

As a result of the Covid pandemic, I've been reconsidering what I truly value. It's easy to let time pass us by and drift along, not focused on things beyond the moment we're currently faced with. Unfortunately, that's not the spiritually meaningful life I want to pursue!

I searched for some pointers, and wanted to share this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/201908/how-tell-whats-really-important-you

This line was convicting: "Show me your schedule, and I’ll show you your priorities"... ouch. Does my calendar truly show my most important aspects of my life? Not as it should. My greatest priorities and values may not be yours, but putting the scheduled time into the things that matter is certainly a good indicator for anyone. 

Developing what ARE those priorities is a different matter. However, once you know, it should be reflected on the calendar. If I value reading the Bible, but don't plan time to do so, it's probably not going to happen. If you have a weekly game night with friends and have that time blocked off, you're going to successfully meet for fun with your friends! So... hard look time. Does my calendar match my goals? What can I change to align them? If you're like me, less online time helps. Another useful change is to simply be carefully deliberate about how I spend my time. I don't really need to stare in the fridge again; it hasn't changed in the last hour or so!

I've got some work to do on this, so best wishes to you if you're the same!

Be Wonder-FULL!

Limits

I've been pondering limits.

My dictionary app lists multiple definitions, from:
"the final, utmost, or furthest boundary or point...";
mathematical limit as x->infinity, etc.;
informal uses, when someone or something exasperates or delights another to an extreme, e.g. "You're the limit!";
to use as a verb, "to restrict by or as if by establishing limits".

So, one can have a limit, approach a limit, live a limit, or set limits.

I'm intrigued how many directions we encounter limits in our lives. Most of us first encounter limits as children, pushing back on limits set by our parents and others. Then, the tables turn over the course of a relatively few years, and often, we're the ones setting limits, for our children, or others in our daily lives. A few of us can claim that "you're the limit!" exclamation, whether by living on an edge or through comedy. We all approach our final limits, of the allotted days of life, although we don't know when that may be.

Fans of the Eagles may have had their hit, "Take It to the Limit" playing in their mind (or will now, not sorry, because it's a great song!). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pl9gZSIZqmQ
Randy Meisner was quoted as saying that the song's meaning was "to keep trying". I listened to the song again, and was struck by a lyric that meant little when I first heard it, but was far more powerful years later: "You can spend all your time making money, You can spend all your love making time".
Isn't this so much of the productive years of adulthood?!

Now comes the hard question: what do your limits look like? Are they brick walls, temporary boundaries, approaching infinity, set by others, or self-imposed?

A couple people in Job's life had some hard questions for him. Zophar asked him,

"Can you find out the deep things of God? Can you find the limit of the Almighty?" Job 11:7

Eliphaz asked him,

"Have you listened in the council of God? And do you limit wisdom to yourself?" Job 15:8

Job suffered. His limits were not his own, and he chafed at those restrictions and boundaries. We definitely sympathize with him, and these questions posed by his friends are good ones, that would rankle if they were our friends posing the questions. As Christians, we know, OF COURSE, Job couldn't find the limit of the Almighty, and limiting wisdom to himself would be OBVIOUSLY wrong. But don't we see this frequently in our world? Don't WE too easily forget that God is without limits and all-knowing?

While I am in no way suffering like Job, chronic illness frequently leaves me feeling my body's limits as painful restrictions. This occurred not long ago when my youngest child was shocked that I used to WALK my now-teenagers to the library fairly regularly, a couple mile trip. She had no recollection of me ever being so active. Even when my limitations are comfortable for my own sake, they can become quite restrictive for my loved ones and my dreams for them.

Also, as I read Jay Pathak and Dave Runyon's book, The Art of Neighboring,

with others in my congregation and community, I'm again struggling with HOW I can be a good neighbor, in the midst of my own needs. Paul shared with the church in Corinth,

"We, however, will not boast beyond limits, but will keep within the field that God has assigned to us, to reach out even as far as you. For we were not overstepping our limits when we reached you; we were the first to come all the way to you with the good news of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:13-14

Am I chafing at limits that shouldn't concern me? God knows what field that He has assigned to me, and that may be further than I realize. Paul suffered with some malady during his life and travels, but he was still the first to "come all the way ... with the good news of Christ."

I think my understanding of my *limitations* may be more mental than physical. No, not that my illness is all in my head, not that. I am not well, physically. No, instead, I may be adding extra limitations by not exploring other options! If you search online about limitations, you can also find articles about constraints leading to greater creativity.

I may not be able to reliably be the neighbor that walks around and knocks on doors, but I could be an online organizer. Maybe I could, with help, assemble a neighborhood directory, or an email list, to keep each other informed. Maybe other ideas, too? My limits do not have to limit my "reach out even as far as you".

What is limiting you?

Pride goeth...

As a young adult, I never thought of myself as especially proud. In fact, if anyone had asked me, I would've answered that I was far more humble than proud.

I've learned over the years that I was wrong back then (and probably even now!).

 

I was proud of my excellent memory. I even referred to myself as our family's memory and calendar.

Not now. Cognitive dysfunction and brain fog have stolen my short-term and working memory, enough so that we've had to change how we paid our bills so we could reliably pay them.

I was proud of my long swan-like neck. I thought it was one of my more graceful qualities.

Not now. Hypermobile joints and arthritis have made that a continual painful trouble spot. When I spend a couple nights each month sleeping in a soft cervical collar just to be able to sleep, and suspect it will get worse, my neck is a pain in the neck!

I was proud of my ability to successfully multitask.

Between the above-mentioned cognitive issues and exertion intolerance, multitasking is off my agenda. I handle things at a puttering speed, and very rarely ever attempt more than 1 or 2 things at a time. My frequent sour laundry is a clear indicator of those failures.

I was proud of my young children's good behavior.

My older kids are capable, responsible young adults. However, my middle daughter has shown me my former pride as she will frequently have a hard time in public situations, due to overstimulation. She's NOT misbehaving, but many people see her struggles that way. I've learned to ignore the world and help her, but it was a few years before I could drop my shame. Also, my youngest daughter has a whiny, manipulative streak at a far older age than my older kids. I think I spent so much time with her sister, that I let some early bad behavior slide with the baby. 

I was proud of my home.

Not so much now. When we've had two job losses; I've had multiple chronic illnesses: some with intense pain, some with intense fatigue; and debilitating pregnancies, our home is livable. It's not a showplace, and won't be, but *maybe* eventually we'll get our possessions pared down enough for us to keep up most of the time.

I was proud of my intellect.

It's very hard to concentrate and read thought-provoking works when my brain focus is unreliable. I haven't lost everything, but it's difficult to see myself as a shadow of my former self.

I was proud of my physical strength and capabilities.

Not much now. I have moments of strength, but those are extremely fleeting. I am sometimes unable to walk through my regular grocery run, so my past 5 and 10K runs seem like ghosts to me. I sometimes can't stand for the duration of hymns at church, but used to work 12 hour shifts standing at work in a pharmacy. It seems like it was another person that did those things.

 

I'm grateful that I'm now aware of all this pridefulness. Learning this was, and still is, painful. None of us want to have our flaws shoved in our faces. I regret, and sometimes hate, the limitations chronic illnesses have placed on my life. However, despite my frailties, God has used each of these failings to draw me nearer: to show me His power, His love, His grace. I am still so flawed, but He is using every experience of my life to refine me further.

These difficulties? Not from God.

Can He use them for His glory? YES!! Praise God!

 

 

Blue Funk

My neck hurts a lot today, probably a 6 out of 10.

I've got a sick child. It's grey and rainy. Some friends got further bad news about an already precarious financial situation. I'm going to a high school friend's (only 42yo) funeral this evening. Any of those could sadden me for a while, so combined is particularly unpleasant.         EVERYONE has days like this; the days that so much is wrong, and it's hard to find any blessings. Let me be clear: I know that my blessings abound, but on days like today, they seem to disappear like a puff of smoke. So... what does the faithful Christian do? None of this is life-threatening, but it is life-draining.

It's easy to forget that Jesus himself experienced bad days, and that he lived the whole range of human emotions: happy, sad, angry, afraid, and kept going.

How?

He gave it to God, took time away from the press of daily life, and didn't sum up his whole life in one bad day.  

Ladies, I have to share...

Okay ladies, how many of you race home after the day and gleefully remove your bra?!  
I did, but not now, and I have to spread the word!

First, your bra size is likely to be wrong, especially if you are bustier than a C cup. Don't worry, we can sort that out.

Second, you may not find your best fitting bra on your first try, but online shopping gives you more options than ever before!  


So... about the sizing. I happened across an amazing tutorial, and rather than trying to badly paraphrase, I'm going to directly link to her blog. She has some language that I typically don't use, but have to confess that I mentally have used similar words dealing with my endowments prior to her solution!!
http://brittanyherself.com/2014/02/05/happy-boobs/    

Now, if you've re-measured yourself, and are shocked at a size that you've never been before, take heart. This really IS your size, and the right bra will prove it. Unfortunately, stores stock a limited number of sizes, and if you're anything like me, it may be difficult to impossible to find Ms. Right Bra.

Here's my next tip: buy online! Yes, it can be inconvenient to buy, wait, try on, and hope, BUT it's the easiest method to meet your bra match. I shop at: https://www.biggerbras.com/ and have returned items with very little hassle and no fuss.  

For larger sizes, underwire is the best support, but of course, quite uncomfortable by the end of the day. This is also easily solved! Look for bamboo bra liners. They sit between your breasts, under the wire, and can be wrapped around the side, depending on which size you get. Not only do they cushion your bra, they also absorb any smelly sweat and lengthen your bra's life!  

Another point: I do not baby my bras. They get machine washed and hung dry, but they last MUCH longer now that I'm wearing the correct size. My first purchase in my correct size wasn't perfect, but it was still SO much better than before. When I tried another brand, and found my Ms. Right Bra, it was like the heavens opened and the angels sang! For something that you wear EVERY day, you are absolutely worth the investment.  

It's shocking how much better your life is with good undergarments!

Overcome the World's Evil with God's Good

There's been a lot of publicized tragedy in the last week. A nearby community lost two police officers to ambush on a 911 call. A distant state lost kids and adults to a teen school shooter. So much sadness and confusion, even among fellow Christians, and questions about why God allows such evil.

Here's the important part: God doesn't allow evil. He allows FREE WILL. That means He allows each of us to choose. Both killers chose violence. The police officers and at least one adult coach at the high school chose to protect and to serve their communities.   These are hard events to discuss with kids. My family was not directly affected by either tragedy, but most of my kids are aware of them, and they had questions. My 6yo was especially bewildered by someone knowingly killing police officers.   

  So, HOW can we change to prevent this violence? Violence isn't the start. Some time in the past, this week's killers were children. A healthy, well-adjusted, loved child doesn't one day decide, "hey, I'm going to murder people when I'm older." What does happen, then? I think that often there are the odd kids, the weird kids, the ones who act out or smell, who just don't "fit in". Not surprisingly, once a kid is shoved to the side, that status sticks. Those kids are outcasts, and both other kids and their teachers shun them, usually not out of deliberate cruelty, but casual avoidance of the awkward situation. How often have you stepped over that "outcast line" to pick up something that they dropped, smiled at them just to be friendly, chose them for your team, asked them to have a cup of coffee with you, posted a message online just to cheer them? You prevent violence with love and connection.    Part of the public response has been a loud outcry of "F--- thoughts and prayers! We need gun control!" I don't dispute that gun control is beneficial, and I do support legislation changes. However... no one can tell me that my Christian prayers are useless. You see, I pray with my mind, soul, AND body. Being the body of Christ insists on action. Reaching out to the least of these, the outcasts, the sick, the hurting, is EXACTLY what welcoming in Jesus' name looks like. Friends, here is my challenge to you: reach out. Realize where you are comfortable and take a couple steps beyond that. Part of this for me is this blog post. I frequently have strong opinions about current events, but don't voice them because I'd rather not stir the pot. Well, reading that others don't value my prayers, and in fact, see them as useless, motivated me to step out in faith. Find someone who needs love and give it. Then find two. Then more! One person CAN make a difference, and not simply for evil. Join me in living as the body of Christ, and each one of our efforts can ripple. I may not be able to change the world, but I will work on my part of it, and I hope AND PRAY that you will too.

We, as flawed sinners, will not be perfect, but with God's help, we CAN do better.

My 2018 Word of the Year

Several years ago, I fell into focusing my year around a single word. Those words have been ones like: accept, grace, simplify, rest. This year, I was beginning to think that this would be a different plan, as I just had no specific words that "felt" right, until today...

Share.

No, I don't mean like the toddler's mama, constantly reminding her little one to balance "mine" with "yours". This is more aligned with sharing my life, my thoughts and feelings, more honestly with others. I don't lie about my life, but I do keep much of my worries and struggles, my wants and desires, my truest self, hidden. It sounds amusing to say when I'm blogging this, but I hesitate to let people in to my heart, because I fear that they'd see ME, and turn away.

My husband has urged me to be more open and share more for years. As he's told me many times, "connection grows from shared weaknesses, not strengths". He's got a lot of wisdom behind this, but openness scared me. I'm still scared about being "too" open, but I think I'm seeing this a little differently now, too. I'm not going to be open just for the sake of openness; no, I'm going to be sharing myself, more of myself, with the people who already know and love me. Instead of burying it and maybe being a little more distant, I'll share if my feelings are hurt. I'll share what struggles that I'm going through, and I'll share more of the moments that take my breath away or warm my heart. I'll be more honest in sharing what I really think, instead of simply zipping my lips. This is an area that God's pushing me to grow into more for His glory, and I have to try.

So, what about you? Do you make resolutions, use a focus word, or no change with the new year?

Chronically Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Day. A day of celebration and joy in the birth of our Savior. It's also a day with shortened sleep, family expectations, and heightened emotions.

  ALL of the above can be challenging with chronic illness. More than any other day, this is a day that I wish to be fully ON for my children's sake. This is looking unlikely this year already: I've been nearly constantly sick since before Thanksgiving, and while my Christmas preparations are solid, these very illnesses have sapped much of my usual low energy remaining after my chronic issues have taken their voracious bites. I'm eagerly anticipating my children's joy, but wish that I had a minimum extra 24 hours of healing and rest beforehand.  

  So... how is this mama handling this year's chronic illness Christmas? Prayerfully, slowly, and as restfully as I can. God will give me enough for the moment, and I will do my utmost to rest in Him and be still. Isn't this much of what God asks of us? To come to Him, give Him all of our burdens, and simply be with and for Him?

      Perhaps I should live as if EACH day were Christmas; coming to adore Him and giving all to Him. Perhaps my focus should be Chronically Christmas, not chronic illness Christmas. The one great blessing of chronic illness is KNOWING that I did not have enough, but that He did, showing me His glory in my weakness. Yes, I would be ecstatic to be truly well, but this close personal relationship would be harder if I didn't NEED Him so desperately.      

I pray that you meet our Savior where you need Him this Christmas, and that you, too, may live focused on Him, chronically!

Gratitude

 

  In the midst of struggles with chronic illness, special needs frustrations, and the general busyness of family life approaching the holidays, I can forget to be grateful. Very much a first-world issue: I'm alive, with adequate food, shelter, and safety; my daughter receives multiple services to help her to progress towards a functional adulthood; and I'm blessed to have a large family and extended family to enjoy special occasions with and to enjoy gift-giving opportunities. So... how to refocus on that gratitude that is so essential to respond to God's grace?  

GRACE: the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

One answer is to schedule downtime. If I don't have margin time, I'm barely functioning, so I need to UNDERestimate what I have time to do. (Major battle for me, as I'm the eternal optimist with my time, and assume everything takes about half the time it typically takes!) Another answer is to prioritize! I've gotten better in my parenting years, but this is definitely an ongoing goal. Yet another answer is to be sure that self-care happens. If I overdo and crash, that will not help me or my family. I need my sleep, healthy diet, and joyful calm to be able to help them; all the airline attendants tell you to put on your own mask first, and then others!

I love this verse as a reminder. How completely wonder-full is it that God's power is made perfect in weakness!! I don't have to BE this perfect ideal of womanhood as wife, mother, and child of God, because His power is made PERFECT in my WEAKNESS! That's what His grace is all about... unmerited, undeserved, so beyond anything that I could ever earn or repay.   THIS is what Thanksgiving is all about. THIS is why we rejoice at our Savior's birth.   If my first world, busy life pulls me away from this center, then I'm in the wrong. I need to repent, turn back, and run to God. Maybe that looks like scheduling downtime, maybe it looks like reprioritizing my life, maybe it looks like better self-care, but it is really dropping my burdens to run to my Father.   I pray that all in this world may find their gratitude for God's grace, and live in His joy this holiday season!

Happiest of Thanksgivings to each of you, in Jesus' name!

Bucket List, part 2

I shared my completed Bucket List from the book, "My Ultimate Bucket List" last month.

Now, I'm sharing my To-Do List!

Of course, some will be easier, and others not so much... Some will take time to occur, and some will take $$$.

In book order, not mine:
1. take a cruise
2. visit Las Vegas
3. plant trees {I've done this, but want to plant more!}
4. learn to play instrument(s) {Again, done it, but I'd like to expand my skills.}
5. learn a new language {This may be difficult; I *barely* passed my spoken language sections in college!}
6. write a song
7. send a secret admirer letter {My eldest daughter says this is impossible, but someone I admire doesn't mean love!}
8. start a blog and keep it going for a year {Thanks friends! You're participating with this one!}
9. raise chickens for fresh eggs {Can't happen at our current place...}
10. participate in open mic night

11. start a weekly family game
12. experience the northern lights
13. get on Jeopardy
14. throw a dart at a map and go where it lands
15. witness a geyser erupting
16. create your own game
17. read over 100 books in a year {Maybe when my kids are older!!}
18. sleep in a hammock
19. make someone's wish come true {Anyone with a wish?}
20. have an Alice in Wonderland themed dinner party

21. create a children's book
22. volunteer at a homeless shelter
23. take a pottery class
24. visit 5 National Parks
25. visit Hawaii
26. create a new recipe {Lots of modified recipes, but I don't think those count.}
27. visit all 50 states {Family vacations when I was a kid got me halfway.}
28. explore the Grand Canyon
29. see an eclipse {Debating whether that's happening for us driving to see totality this month or not...}
30. pay it forward every day for a week

31. serenade someone in public {I've done this as part of Sweet Adeline Valentine quartets, but not alone!}
32. solve a Rubik's cube {My nephew can, so maybe he can teach me!}
33. take toys to a children's hospital
34. be part of a flash mob {I would LOVE to do this singing Hallelujah Chorus!!!}
35. attend Olympic Games
36. read the Bible {I want to make this a yearly plan!}
37. go scuba diving
38. visit a volcano
39. mentor a young person {I have, but this is repeatable!}
40. see my children graduate high school, college, marry, have children...

I may be able to combine a few items on my list, for example, visit Hawaii and a volcano, and maybe visiting all 50 states if that's the last one, but those 3 are going to take me a while yet. Several others, whether due to time or money constraints, will also take some time to happen.

I see a strong creative interest pattern, with playing instruments, writing a song, creating a game, writing a children's book, taking a pottery class, and inventing a recipe. I'm currently working on paring down and organizing my sewing and craft closet space, so that should help. We've been decluttering and simplifying our lives for a long time, and wishing to never find ourselves in such an awkward space again!

So, now you know my bucket list; what's on yours? Anything that I should add to mine?

Bucket List

I turned 40 this month. 4-0.

This doesn't dismay me, but when I happened across My Ultimate Bucket List book at my local Half-Price Books and it was in their clearance area, I grabbed it. Milestone birthdays DO tend to focus your thoughts on living intentionally!

I finally got a chance to flip through the book and write down my bucket list this evening. I have 40 items listed so far; a healthy start I believe. What struck me as I read through the 300 specific bucket list suggestions was how many that I could check off right now. Whenever I had considered a bucket list before, I assumed that I would have more on the list than accomplished; I've lived in the same state my whole life, married a man I met in elementary school, and am a stay-at-home mama. How much could I have done?

So... I went through the list again. I tallied up 75 items on that list!!

I've planted a tree, learned to play an instrument, started a new tradition, gone to a concert of a favorite band, attended a drive-in movie, attended hosted a murder mystery dinner, changed my hairstyle, learned CPR, fell asleep under the stars with someone I love, had a water balloon fight... the list just keeps going!

In case my checked-off list encourages YOU, here's the rest:
11. throw myself a birthday party {actually a surprise anniversary party for my parents!}
12. visit the Humane Society and play with the animals
13. try a martial art
14. get my picture in the newspaper
15. participate in a polar bear swim
16. wear a snake around my neck
17. try panning for gold
18. donate money to a worthy cause
19. kiss under a mistletoe
20. try to be 2 places at the same time {what mother HASN'T?!}
21. try yoga
22. shower under a waterfall
23. try to find a four-leaf clover
24. roast marshmallows at a campfire
25. milk a cow goat
26. fly a kite
27. learn to write calligraphy {nowhere NEAR as good as my friend at Swallowtail Calligraphy!}
28. visit an island
29. donate hair to cancer patients
30. enter a contest
31. adopt a dog
32. go camping
33. give blood
34. make homemade ice cream
35. canoe down a river
36. buy myself an entire new wardrobe {again, motherhood...}
37. explore a cave
38. visit a castle
39. go jet-skiing
40. have a candlelight dinner
41. visit the birthplace of my ancestors
42. visit Stonehenge
43. make an investment in something
44. serenade someone in public {Sweet Adeline Singing Valentines!}
45. see a shooting star
46. line dance
47. ride on a double-decker bus {while I was in U.K. seeing Stonehenge...}
48. stay in a log cabin for a night
49. go to a food festival
50. go on a zipline
51. visit Disney World {twice}
52. tour a ruin
53. jump on a pogo stick {I'm pretty lousy, but my 14yo is good}
54. try a Zumba class
55. tie messages on a bunch of balloons and let them go
56. teach a class in any subject {Classical Conversations!!!}
57. sit in the very front seat of a roller coaster
58. play spin the bottle with people at a party {LONG long ago!!}
59. cash in a winning lottery ticket or scratch off
60. pet a stingray
61. get a license for something other than driving {licensed foster family for 8 years}
62. go horseback riding
63. get a degree {two}
64. start a collection of something {books, angels, turtles, and nativity sets}
65. play charades at a party
66. kiss someone at midnight on New Year's Eve
67. climb a tree
68. get a book autographed by the author
69. learn to ice skate
70. mentor a young person
71. watch a symphony perform
72. build a snowman
73. make a prank call {also long ago, I'm much more mature, now... don't laugh!}
74. ride a train
75. play a round of golf {abysmally!}

Struggling

I struggle with bitterness.

I asked after my brother and sister-in-law’s date night, which was yesterday. My SIL replied that it was enjoyable, but then added that, “it was much needed”. As the mother of a child with special needs, who has only ever been without one of us for a single night in her 7.5 years, I was quite resentful of “much needed”. How can a mother of any only child, who isn’t even 2yo, know about a “much needed” date night?

I don’t really question that they felt the need to reconnect. I simply am bitter. I have “much need” for time away with my husband, time away by myself, time away to sleep, but yet don’t get that time. Even people willing to share our load can’t truly do so, because our dear daughter will still react poorly for any time away, and will cling all the tighter afterwards, wearing away any rest and relaxation that the time away achieved.

My bitterness is my own. It is not God’s will, flouting the tenth commandment of not to covet your neighbors’ possessions, even non-physical ones. God loves me despite my bitterness, yet I resist His grace and forgiveness. I intellectually know to give my failings and weaknesses to God, but childishly cling to my resentment. I am a thirsty person, longing for God, and yet I’m refusing to drink when God holds the cup to my lips. 

I don’t want another life. I don’t want others’ pity or guilt that they were unaware of my struggles. I just want a warm embrace, an understanding nod, a patient ear.  I feel small and petty for my bitterness, when others are fighting for their very lives. I grieve what might have been, but feel guilty for grieving when I am so blessed. I weep with my frustrations, and get angry at others’ unawareness, but I don’t reach out because surely those who care would’ve asked if I’m okay.   All of these emotions are so counter to my preference to laugh rather than cry. Sometimes, though, from lack of sleep, weakness of my body, or just the unknown, I’m raw. And in those raw moments, the smallest word or gesture salts my rawness, startling me with deep pain. I fight a battle that others don’t see, and often forget that the battle is ongoing, until these surprising moments.

Christmas time Meditations

I've been snuggled up to my sleeping daughter for a couple hours now this morning.  L's such a bundle of energy and life when she's awake that she always seems to shrink while asleep.  I'm giving her some time to sleep in on this frigid morning... the wind chills are well below zero, but her school is running its normal schedule.  Since she's so sleepy, I'm giving her her own delay!

  My baby will soon be 5yo, Christmas is only ten days away, and I'm carving out a few moments of peace.  I'm so delighted to see my children grow and mature, but it's so bittersweet as they grow away from me.  Yes, my 13yo and 11yo still need me, just not as much as they once did.  R took his first Challenge A blue book exams last week.  He did well, especially considering the two weeks that he missed early this fall to pneumonia! Challenge has been a great learning experience.  Seeing a whole hemisphere with countries, hand-drawn by my son, is amazing!  He's not struggling in the strands that I worried about; geography and Latin have been great.  Surprisingly, the writing strand has been the source of the greatest trouble for him.  Affirmative-Negative-Interesting charts are the issue.  Dad has a logical creative thinking methodology that he's introducing to R, so hopefully that will help! We love homeschooling!  We have our moments, but the togetherness has been wonderful.  Rewards like a long snow break are just icing on the cake!

  My peaceful moment has passed, and L is awake now.  It's time to move, get her to school, clean the house, bake, and dot all my Christmas i's/cross all the t's.  The coming weeks will hold lots of excitement.  I also wait on my referral about possible Ehlers-Danlos hypermobility syndrome.  Will that be good news?  I don't know, but knowing a name for my physical struggles would be nice.

May God bless you this Christmas!

 

Summertime

Finally sharing again, and this time more than a year later! Let me catch up: We've continued to homeschool using Classical Conversations as our spine, now with 3 years at home.  R begins Challenge A in the fall, A continues Foundations and Essentials, and my baby, S, begins Foundations.  L, my special needs kiddo, also has a big change coming, as she begins kindergarten.  I've got a LOT of anxiety about this step, but know that God's got this!! After 3 years at home, I think our homeschool has really come together.  Other homeschool mamas have said the same; 3 years seems to be the learning curve to know just how to organize this whole homeschool adventure.  Some WONDERFUL books that have helped me figure out what I wanted our homeschool to be are: The Well-Trained Mind, The Core, and Teaching From Rest.

 I also love Simply Classical to guide me how to help my special one learn, even though I'm not home educating her.  In addition to CC, we use Saxon math, the Story of the World Series as a read-aloud, as well as living books.  This summer, while we have our CC break, we're practicing Latin declensions, exploring Latin roots to English words with Vocabulary Bridges, studying Ohio history with Along the Ohio Trail resource from the state auditor's office, learning to type with typing.com, and studying foreign languages with Duolingo (R-Spanish and A-French... I'm supposed to keep up with both, but that hasn't happened!). We're also reviewing previous cycles' memory work, drawing maps with a new resource to us: ArtK12's Draw series, daily cursive practice, math for A since she hasn't finished her book yet, and weekly nature study and book discussions. We've read the books that R will be assigned in Challenge A, and now are discussing them one at a time. Yes, he's ahead on that, but I'm simply making sure that the book reading doesn't stop his papers this year!

We also LOVE summer reading clubs! This year we are signed up for our local library, Exodus Books' Outside of a Dog program, Half-Price Books, and Barnes & Noble for A (R is too old... 🙁). I'm going to Give Your Child the World too; such a great new book to connect kids to this amazing world!

As you can see, I'm delighted with our homeschool! I wish that my health was as solid, but this doesn't seem to be the time for that, yet. Over the last 2 years, I've seen 6 different specialists. What I'm left with as a diagnosis is chronic fatigue syndrome with systemic exertion intolerance disease (CFS-SEID).

Unfortunately, there's not much that I can do to improve, but I'm working on it: graded exercise, good nutrition, and lots of rest. This is a hard diagnosis with young kids, especially one with special needs. My older children are super help, though! A big regret of mine is that I can't be as useful to my husband, however, as I'm nearly always utterly exhausted by the time he's home. I thought about this dilemma for a few months, and have hit upon a partial answer. I prepare crockpot freezer meals so we can have good food without lots of late-day irk from me (or hubby)! We have some favorite recipes so far, and I've got a list to try in the future.

Life goes marching on!

I mentioned health issues last July, and then disappeared for nine months! NO, not a baby... Four kiddos is enough for now, but that would be easier to explain! Still do not know what exactly is the cause, so quite frustrating when the main symptom is unrelenting fatigue. I'm still my laughing self, but some days are just HARD.

Despite all of this, I've homeschooled a second year, tutored a second year, and all of us are starting to see where we fit in this routine. I am not a bell-and-schedule sort of homeschooler. We try to stick to a plan of which subjects BEFORE lunch, and others, mostly non-essentials, after.

In our February doldrums this year, I sat down at the computer and worked up a spreadsheet checklist of ALL my expectations, school, home, and personal, for my older kids for each week. This has been a while in coming, but we wanted to our kids to experience earning money and privileges, as similarly as possible to real working life. They each have jobs that are awarded by ability and interests, but enough so that they each can earn $8 per week. Some may think this small, some may think this a lot! It's a bit high for OUR budget, but... our kids are responsible for their own extras, whether food snacks or extra clothing, so that is where we have made room for the extra outlay. We will provide 7-10 outfits per season, 2-4 sets of dress clothes, daily shoes, and dress shoes. We will also provide apples, carrots and celery with hummus, and popcorn for snacks. A frugal child can choose to live well within our boundaries, and save for their interests. We pray that valuable, yet somewhat painful, lessons are learned by our not-so-frugal child NOW, so that the big very painful lessons we learned the hard way in our early adulthood can be avoided.

As it's Autism Awareness month, I want to share a bit about my sweet middle daughter, L. Long before her diagnosis, we knew that she was not neurotypical. She crawled at fourteen months, walked at twenty-eight months, so both about twice as long as all the developmental milestones checklists say. The first couple months of my youngest's life were quite muscle-building for me, because I was carrying TWO little ones and all their gear! (And not like with twins, because one was twenty-six months older!!) I was SO encouraged when she started walking after only one month of physical therapy, but speech was to take longer... At three years old, she aged out of the early intervention program and into the school district's jurisdiction. I had had the privilege of being home with her for her whole life thus far, so can you imagine how sad I was to see her going off on the bus, ALL day, four days per week?! Preschool has been such an amazing experience for L, though! She knows her classmates by name, she snuggles with her fantastic teacher, and she gets a scheduled day that is separate from me. Yes, even though I homeschool, this was so crucial to L, because NOW, we have a parent-child relationship, while before she saw me as the taskmaster. I can teach academic subjects, but I wasn't making WALKING and TALKING fun for a child that had to work so hard to do them! I love being able to celebrate her accomplishments, like songs that she's been singing recently, and not constantly pushing her out of her comfort zone.
L's diagnosis came after she began preschool. When her younger sister was nearly eighteen months old, I realized, with a shock, that little baby S was catching, and in some areas, passing, L in abilities! I did not laugh that day; instead, I wept. I knew what my next step was, as L's early intervention and preschool staff had laid out the plan, if needed, before kindergarten, so that she would continue to receive therapies. Even knowing the possibilities, I was still taken aback by the diagnosis. How could my sweet, smiley, snuggly girl have AUTISM? She smiles, she hugs! Surely not!!
As they say, denial is the first stage of grief, and while it may seem callous to anyone who has lost a child, having a label of autism stuck on your child does feel much like loss. How can my child ever be able to do this, or this, or what about that? Will they even be able to live independently, marry, have a family, and so on... I do not know the answers, but I do know the One who does, and so I've learned to set those worries aside.
For anyone who may read this, a diagnosis does NOT change your loved one! My daughter is STILL my sweet, smiley, snuggly girl... she just qualifies for a little extra time and attention from others!
L's diagnosis was just before her fourth birthday. At that time, she used approximately one hundred words... Now, I don't think we could successfully tally them, and sentences! I cannot tell you the JOY it is to hear my sweet one tell me in the produce section of the grocery store, "We have lots of ripe bananas"... Six word sentences are so, so, so distant from a one hundred word vocabulary! I didn't even know she knew the word ripe!!

"And She Laughs" is more than just a blog name for me... It's a reminder that in the darkest days, laughter is not far away, and that sometimes joy has to be sought out, and savored all the more for the contrast.
May you see God's joy in the midst of your life, and smile, or even laugh, to pass it on.

Ramblings of a Sleepy Mind

I've been preparing for the coming school year, and I have to say, I'm EXCITED! I'm not sure that my kids are, yet, but that will come. :) I'm listening to my printer run (and run) while I'm typing, printing out all sorts of educational materials. Hopefully I get a chance to get everything organized in the next month or so. I've been dealing with some health issues, and I'm not sure yet what it will mean. It's in God's hands, but I still struggle to let go. Thankfully, I don't HAVE to control my future, just do my best, with His help, to live to His glory!

My family surprised me with an early birthday party this week; it was VERY nice, and completely unexpected! (no, this one is NOT a milestone birthday...) The photo taken at the restaurant is sitting next to me and I love seeing 15 smiling faces all on my behalf. That really warms my heart!!

I've read a lot lately about the Titus 2 woman. I hope to do some reflection, and share soon. Speaking of sharing, the delegation of packing to my older 2 worked very well! They even helped pack the food from my list, so I was delighted to have that burden lessened. They really are growing into quite wonderful young adults, so loving and responsible. I need to be sure to share my praise more frequently with THEM!

As it is late, I will stop here for the evening. I don't know whether anyone will ever see this other than my family, but I am enjoying sharing.

This OLD House

Wearing myself out today! Today was my day to take down some "temporary" walls... unfortunately, they're not all as temporary as I hoped, and have some screws into our old studs that will not break free. I am ONE screw away from more space in my room, and I can't make it budge! Grrrrr.

The original plan was to get all this done over the weekend, with dear hubby's assistance and muscle, but my migraine disagreed. I did get some laundry folded and sorted to donate, and found a long-missing remote control, so not a COMPLETE loss, just not as productive as I hoped. Shrug.

Our homeschool day didn't happen today, at least any subjects other than shop class. My kids are amazed at how much Mama can accomplish when I'm on a mission... I think I need to be a fly on the wall in some productive mama's house for a year or so to see how to do it every or most days!

We're planning some cabin-camping soon, so packing is on my mind. 6 people, 1 person in charge of packing. I'm trying to delegate (with a packing list) to my older 2 kids this year, so I'll report back how well that goes!
I've got my grocery list all filled out, so now on to the packing lists.

It's always better to laugh than cry!

Funny thing, life. We are, each one of us, experiencing our own version of the joys and suffering, fears and bliss. Despite this, we are oddly unsympathetic to so many until we've walked with their circumstances. When you've had a goodly portion of that good and bad, with some empathy and some apathy, I hope you, too find it better to laugh than cry!

I'm a woman who's comfortable in my skin, who loves her sweet kiddos, and her dear husband. I'm an iffy housekeeper, but a good cook, a homeschool mama to R, A, and S, and yet send my little L off to school on her yellow bus. Contradictions, yes. Issues, no.

After nearly 20 years of marriage, it's amazing to learn still more about love, and commitment, forgiveness, and grace. My children have helped me see more clearly both my best and my worst sides. Fixing our old house (pre-1900) has probably brought out some of that "worst"! We're slowly making it more than it was, refinishing, repairing, replacing, et cetera. Is this easy to do with one salary, 2 home-schoolers, a special needs child, and a toddler? Hah. Maybe it will be done before they're grown, or we give up and sell...

Homeschooling is a newer part of our adventure. We dreamed about 10 years ago, but sometimes dreams take a while, so we're just wrapping up our 1st year. I LOVE the closeness, the connection, the joy of seeing their learning! Are there sibling fights? Days of laziness and fussing? Days that we just can't get up and moving? Yes, I confess, and then I get coffee!
I just attended my 2nd parent practicum with Classical Conversations, our main homeschool resource. 2nd one, and crazy me served as a tutor trainer! Tutored first year, and now have trained tutors... I guess I jump in with both feet!! It's so encouraging to meet with so many other like-minded Christian homeschool parents as a community. I really appreciate that encouragement at the end of this 1st year. So many details did NOT happen as I planned. From other homeschool moms, I think that is a given, buuuut, the encouragement was still a fantastic boost!