Chronically Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Day. A day of celebration and joy in the birth of our Savior. It's also a day with shortened sleep, family expectations, and heightened emotions.

  ALL of the above can be challenging with chronic illness. More than any other day, this is a day that I wish to be fully ON for my children's sake. This is looking unlikely this year already: I've been nearly constantly sick since before Thanksgiving, and while my Christmas preparations are solid, these very illnesses have sapped much of my usual low energy remaining after my chronic issues have taken their voracious bites. I'm eagerly anticipating my children's joy, but wish that I had a minimum extra 24 hours of healing and rest beforehand.  

  So... how is this mama handling this year's chronic illness Christmas? Prayerfully, slowly, and as restfully as I can. God will give me enough for the moment, and I will do my utmost to rest in Him and be still. Isn't this much of what God asks of us? To come to Him, give Him all of our burdens, and simply be with and for Him?

      Perhaps I should live as if EACH day were Christmas; coming to adore Him and giving all to Him. Perhaps my focus should be Chronically Christmas, not chronic illness Christmas. The one great blessing of chronic illness is KNOWING that I did not have enough, but that He did, showing me His glory in my weakness. Yes, I would be ecstatic to be truly well, but this close personal relationship would be harder if I didn't NEED Him so desperately.      

I pray that you meet our Savior where you need Him this Christmas, and that you, too, may live focused on Him, chronically!

Gratitude

 

  In the midst of struggles with chronic illness, special needs frustrations, and the general busyness of family life approaching the holidays, I can forget to be grateful. Very much a first-world issue: I'm alive, with adequate food, shelter, and safety; my daughter receives multiple services to help her to progress towards a functional adulthood; and I'm blessed to have a large family and extended family to enjoy special occasions with and to enjoy gift-giving opportunities. So... how to refocus on that gratitude that is so essential to respond to God's grace?  

GRACE: the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

One answer is to schedule downtime. If I don't have margin time, I'm barely functioning, so I need to UNDERestimate what I have time to do. (Major battle for me, as I'm the eternal optimist with my time, and assume everything takes about half the time it typically takes!) Another answer is to prioritize! I've gotten better in my parenting years, but this is definitely an ongoing goal. Yet another answer is to be sure that self-care happens. If I overdo and crash, that will not help me or my family. I need my sleep, healthy diet, and joyful calm to be able to help them; all the airline attendants tell you to put on your own mask first, and then others!

I love this verse as a reminder. How completely wonder-full is it that God's power is made perfect in weakness!! I don't have to BE this perfect ideal of womanhood as wife, mother, and child of God, because His power is made PERFECT in my WEAKNESS! That's what His grace is all about... unmerited, undeserved, so beyond anything that I could ever earn or repay.   THIS is what Thanksgiving is all about. THIS is why we rejoice at our Savior's birth.   If my first world, busy life pulls me away from this center, then I'm in the wrong. I need to repent, turn back, and run to God. Maybe that looks like scheduling downtime, maybe it looks like reprioritizing my life, maybe it looks like better self-care, but it is really dropping my burdens to run to my Father.   I pray that all in this world may find their gratitude for God's grace, and live in His joy this holiday season!

Happiest of Thanksgivings to each of you, in Jesus' name!

Bucket List, part 2

I shared my completed Bucket List from the book, "My Ultimate Bucket List" last month.

Now, I'm sharing my To-Do List!

Of course, some will be easier, and others not so much... Some will take time to occur, and some will take $$$.

In book order, not mine:
1. take a cruise
2. visit Las Vegas
3. plant trees {I've done this, but want to plant more!}
4. learn to play instrument(s) {Again, done it, but I'd like to expand my skills.}
5. learn a new language {This may be difficult; I *barely* passed my spoken language sections in college!}
6. write a song
7. send a secret admirer letter {My eldest daughter says this is impossible, but someone I admire doesn't mean love!}
8. start a blog and keep it going for a year {Thanks friends! You're participating with this one!}
9. raise chickens for fresh eggs {Can't happen at our current place...}
10. participate in open mic night

11. start a weekly family game
12. experience the northern lights
13. get on Jeopardy
14. throw a dart at a map and go where it lands
15. witness a geyser erupting
16. create your own game
17. read over 100 books in a year {Maybe when my kids are older!!}
18. sleep in a hammock
19. make someone's wish come true {Anyone with a wish?}
20. have an Alice in Wonderland themed dinner party

21. create a children's book
22. volunteer at a homeless shelter
23. take a pottery class
24. visit 5 National Parks
25. visit Hawaii
26. create a new recipe {Lots of modified recipes, but I don't think those count.}
27. visit all 50 states {Family vacations when I was a kid got me halfway.}
28. explore the Grand Canyon
29. see an eclipse {Debating whether that's happening for us driving to see totality this month or not...}
30. pay it forward every day for a week

31. serenade someone in public {I've done this as part of Sweet Adeline Valentine quartets, but not alone!}
32. solve a Rubik's cube {My nephew can, so maybe he can teach me!}
33. take toys to a children's hospital
34. be part of a flash mob {I would LOVE to do this singing Hallelujah Chorus!!!}
35. attend Olympic Games
36. read the Bible {I want to make this a yearly plan!}
37. go scuba diving
38. visit a volcano
39. mentor a young person {I have, but this is repeatable!}
40. see my children graduate high school, college, marry, have children...

I may be able to combine a few items on my list, for example, visit Hawaii and a volcano, and maybe visiting all 50 states if that's the last one, but those 3 are going to take me a while yet. Several others, whether due to time or money constraints, will also take some time to happen.

I see a strong creative interest pattern, with playing instruments, writing a song, creating a game, writing a children's book, taking a pottery class, and inventing a recipe. I'm currently working on paring down and organizing my sewing and craft closet space, so that should help. We've been decluttering and simplifying our lives for a long time, and wishing to never find ourselves in such an awkward space again!

So, now you know my bucket list; what's on yours? Anything that I should add to mine?

Bucket List

I turned 40 this month. 4-0.

This doesn't dismay me, but when I happened across My Ultimate Bucket List book at my local Half-Price Books and it was in their clearance area, I grabbed it. Milestone birthdays DO tend to focus your thoughts on living intentionally!

I finally got a chance to flip through the book and write down my bucket list this evening. I have 40 items listed so far; a healthy start I believe. What struck me as I read through the 300 specific bucket list suggestions was how many that I could check off right now. Whenever I had considered a bucket list before, I assumed that I would have more on the list than accomplished; I've lived in the same state my whole life, married a man I met in elementary school, and am a stay-at-home mama. How much could I have done?

So... I went through the list again. I tallied up 75 items on that list!!

I've planted a tree, learned to play an instrument, started a new tradition, gone to a concert of a favorite band, attended a drive-in movie, attended hosted a murder mystery dinner, changed my hairstyle, learned CPR, fell asleep under the stars with someone I love, had a water balloon fight... the list just keeps going!

In case my checked-off list encourages YOU, here's the rest:
11. throw myself a birthday party {actually a surprise anniversary party for my parents!}
12. visit the Humane Society and play with the animals
13. try a martial art
14. get my picture in the newspaper
15. participate in a polar bear swim
16. wear a snake around my neck
17. try panning for gold
18. donate money to a worthy cause
19. kiss under a mistletoe
20. try to be 2 places at the same time {what mother HASN'T?!}
21. try yoga
22. shower under a waterfall
23. try to find a four-leaf clover
24. roast marshmallows at a campfire
25. milk a cow goat
26. fly a kite
27. learn to write calligraphy {nowhere NEAR as good as my friend at Swallowtail Calligraphy!}
28. visit an island
29. donate hair to cancer patients
30. enter a contest
31. adopt a dog
32. go camping
33. give blood
34. make homemade ice cream
35. canoe down a river
36. buy myself an entire new wardrobe {again, motherhood...}
37. explore a cave
38. visit a castle
39. go jet-skiing
40. have a candlelight dinner
41. visit the birthplace of my ancestors
42. visit Stonehenge
43. make an investment in something
44. serenade someone in public {Sweet Adeline Singing Valentines!}
45. see a shooting star
46. line dance
47. ride on a double-decker bus {while I was in U.K. seeing Stonehenge...}
48. stay in a log cabin for a night
49. go to a food festival
50. go on a zipline
51. visit Disney World {twice}
52. tour a ruin
53. jump on a pogo stick {I'm pretty lousy, but my 14yo is good}
54. try a Zumba class
55. tie messages on a bunch of balloons and let them go
56. teach a class in any subject {Classical Conversations!!!}
57. sit in the very front seat of a roller coaster
58. play spin the bottle with people at a party {LONG long ago!!}
59. cash in a winning lottery ticket or scratch off
60. pet a stingray
61. get a license for something other than driving {licensed foster family for 8 years}
62. go horseback riding
63. get a degree {two}
64. start a collection of something {books, angels, turtles, and nativity sets}
65. play charades at a party
66. kiss someone at midnight on New Year's Eve
67. climb a tree
68. get a book autographed by the author
69. learn to ice skate
70. mentor a young person
71. watch a symphony perform
72. build a snowman
73. make a prank call {also long ago, I'm much more mature, now... don't laugh!}
74. ride a train
75. play a round of golf {abysmally!}

Struggling

I struggle with bitterness.

I asked after my brother and sister-in-law’s date night, which was yesterday. My SIL replied that it was enjoyable, but then added that, “it was much needed”. As the mother of a child with special needs, who has only ever been without one of us for a single night in her 7.5 years, I was quite resentful of “much needed”. How can a mother of any only child, who isn’t even 2yo, know about a “much needed” date night?

I don’t really question that they felt the need to reconnect. I simply am bitter. I have “much need” for time away with my husband, time away by myself, time away to sleep, but yet don’t get that time. Even people willing to share our load can’t truly do so, because our dear daughter will still react poorly for any time away, and will cling all the tighter afterwards, wearing away any rest and relaxation that the time away achieved.

My bitterness is my own. It is not God’s will, flouting the tenth commandment of not to covet your neighbors’ possessions, even non-physical ones. God loves me despite my bitterness, yet I resist His grace and forgiveness. I intellectually know to give my failings and weaknesses to God, but childishly cling to my resentment. I am a thirsty person, longing for God, and yet I’m refusing to drink when God holds the cup to my lips. 

I don’t want another life. I don’t want others’ pity or guilt that they were unaware of my struggles. I just want a warm embrace, an understanding nod, a patient ear.  I feel small and petty for my bitterness, when others are fighting for their very lives. I grieve what might have been, but feel guilty for grieving when I am so blessed. I weep with my frustrations, and get angry at others’ unawareness, but I don’t reach out because surely those who care would’ve asked if I’m okay.   All of these emotions are so counter to my preference to laugh rather than cry. Sometimes, though, from lack of sleep, weakness of my body, or just the unknown, I’m raw. And in those raw moments, the smallest word or gesture salts my rawness, startling me with deep pain. I fight a battle that others don’t see, and often forget that the battle is ongoing, until these surprising moments.