Struggling

I struggle with bitterness.

I asked after my brother and sister-in-law’s date night, which was yesterday. My SIL replied that it was enjoyable, but then added that, “it was much needed”. As the mother of a child with special needs, who has only ever been without one of us for a single night in her 7.5 years, I was quite resentful of “much needed”. How can a mother of any only child, who isn’t even 2yo, know about a “much needed” date night?

I don’t really question that they felt the need to reconnect. I simply am bitter. I have “much need” for time away with my husband, time away by myself, time away to sleep, but yet don’t get that time. Even people willing to share our load can’t truly do so, because our dear daughter will still react poorly for any time away, and will cling all the tighter afterwards, wearing away any rest and relaxation that the time away achieved.

My bitterness is my own. It is not God’s will, flouting the tenth commandment of not to covet your neighbors’ possessions, even non-physical ones. God loves me despite my bitterness, yet I resist His grace and forgiveness. I intellectually know to give my failings and weaknesses to God, but childishly cling to my resentment. I am a thirsty person, longing for God, and yet I’m refusing to drink when God holds the cup to my lips. 

I don’t want another life. I don’t want others’ pity or guilt that they were unaware of my struggles. I just want a warm embrace, an understanding nod, a patient ear.  I feel small and petty for my bitterness, when others are fighting for their very lives. I grieve what might have been, but feel guilty for grieving when I am so blessed. I weep with my frustrations, and get angry at others’ unawareness, but I don’t reach out because surely those who care would’ve asked if I’m okay.   All of these emotions are so counter to my preference to laugh rather than cry. Sometimes, though, from lack of sleep, weakness of my body, or just the unknown, I’m raw. And in those raw moments, the smallest word or gesture salts my rawness, startling me with deep pain. I fight a battle that others don’t see, and often forget that the battle is ongoing, until these surprising moments.