Pride goeth...

As a young adult, I never thought of myself as especially proud. In fact, if anyone had asked me, I would've answered that I was far more humble than proud.

I've learned over the years that I was wrong back then (and probably even now!).

 

I was proud of my excellent memory. I even referred to myself as our family's memory and calendar.

Not now. Cognitive dysfunction and brain fog have stolen my short-term and working memory, enough so that we've had to change how we paid our bills so we could reliably pay them.

I was proud of my long swan-like neck. I thought it was one of my more graceful qualities.

Not now. Hypermobile joints and arthritis have made that a continual painful trouble spot. When I spend a couple nights each month sleeping in a soft cervical collar just to be able to sleep, and suspect it will get worse, my neck is a pain in the neck!

I was proud of my ability to successfully multitask.

Between the above-mentioned cognitive issues and exertion intolerance, multitasking is off my agenda. I handle things at a puttering speed, and very rarely ever attempt more than 1 or 2 things at a time. My frequent sour laundry is a clear indicator of those failures.

I was proud of my young children's good behavior.

My older kids are capable, responsible young adults. However, my middle daughter has shown me my former pride as she will frequently have a hard time in public situations, due to overstimulation. She's NOT misbehaving, but many people see her struggles that way. I've learned to ignore the world and help her, but it was a few years before I could drop my shame. Also, my youngest daughter has a whiny, manipulative streak at a far older age than my older kids. I think I spent so much time with her sister, that I let some early bad behavior slide with the baby. 

I was proud of my home.

Not so much now. When we've had two job losses; I've had multiple chronic illnesses: some with intense pain, some with intense fatigue; and debilitating pregnancies, our home is livable. It's not a showplace, and won't be, but *maybe* eventually we'll get our possessions pared down enough for us to keep up most of the time.

I was proud of my intellect.

It's very hard to concentrate and read thought-provoking works when my brain focus is unreliable. I haven't lost everything, but it's difficult to see myself as a shadow of my former self.

I was proud of my physical strength and capabilities.

Not much now. I have moments of strength, but those are extremely fleeting. I am sometimes unable to walk through my regular grocery run, so my past 5 and 10K runs seem like ghosts to me. I sometimes can't stand for the duration of hymns at church, but used to work 12 hour shifts standing at work in a pharmacy. It seems like it was another person that did those things.

 

I'm grateful that I'm now aware of all this pridefulness. Learning this was, and still is, painful. None of us want to have our flaws shoved in our faces. I regret, and sometimes hate, the limitations chronic illnesses have placed on my life. However, despite my frailties, God has used each of these failings to draw me nearer: to show me His power, His love, His grace. I am still so flawed, but He is using every experience of my life to refine me further.

These difficulties? Not from God.

Can He use them for His glory? YES!! Praise God!

 

 

Blue Funk

My neck hurts a lot today, probably a 6 out of 10.

I've got a sick child. It's grey and rainy. Some friends got further bad news about an already precarious financial situation. I'm going to a high school friend's (only 42yo) funeral this evening. Any of those could sadden me for a while, so combined is particularly unpleasant.         EVERYONE has days like this; the days that so much is wrong, and it's hard to find any blessings. Let me be clear: I know that my blessings abound, but on days like today, they seem to disappear like a puff of smoke. So... what does the faithful Christian do? None of this is life-threatening, but it is life-draining.

It's easy to forget that Jesus himself experienced bad days, and that he lived the whole range of human emotions: happy, sad, angry, afraid, and kept going.

How?

He gave it to God, took time away from the press of daily life, and didn't sum up his whole life in one bad day.  

Ladies, I have to share...

Okay ladies, how many of you race home after the day and gleefully remove your bra?!  
I did, but not now, and I have to spread the word!

First, your bra size is likely to be wrong, especially if you are bustier than a C cup. Don't worry, we can sort that out.

Second, you may not find your best fitting bra on your first try, but online shopping gives you more options than ever before!  


So... about the sizing. I happened across an amazing tutorial, and rather than trying to badly paraphrase, I'm going to directly link to her blog. She has some language that I typically don't use, but have to confess that I mentally have used similar words dealing with my endowments prior to her solution!!
http://brittanyherself.com/2014/02/05/happy-boobs/    

Now, if you've re-measured yourself, and are shocked at a size that you've never been before, take heart. This really IS your size, and the right bra will prove it. Unfortunately, stores stock a limited number of sizes, and if you're anything like me, it may be difficult to impossible to find Ms. Right Bra.

Here's my next tip: buy online! Yes, it can be inconvenient to buy, wait, try on, and hope, BUT it's the easiest method to meet your bra match. I shop at: https://www.biggerbras.com/ and have returned items with very little hassle and no fuss.  

For larger sizes, underwire is the best support, but of course, quite uncomfortable by the end of the day. This is also easily solved! Look for bamboo bra liners. They sit between your breasts, under the wire, and can be wrapped around the side, depending on which size you get. Not only do they cushion your bra, they also absorb any smelly sweat and lengthen your bra's life!  

Another point: I do not baby my bras. They get machine washed and hung dry, but they last MUCH longer now that I'm wearing the correct size. My first purchase in my correct size wasn't perfect, but it was still SO much better than before. When I tried another brand, and found my Ms. Right Bra, it was like the heavens opened and the angels sang! For something that you wear EVERY day, you are absolutely worth the investment.  

It's shocking how much better your life is with good undergarments!

Overcome the World's Evil with God's Good

There's been a lot of publicized tragedy in the last week. A nearby community lost two police officers to ambush on a 911 call. A distant state lost kids and adults to a teen school shooter. So much sadness and confusion, even among fellow Christians, and questions about why God allows such evil.

Here's the important part: God doesn't allow evil. He allows FREE WILL. That means He allows each of us to choose. Both killers chose violence. The police officers and at least one adult coach at the high school chose to protect and to serve their communities.   These are hard events to discuss with kids. My family was not directly affected by either tragedy, but most of my kids are aware of them, and they had questions. My 6yo was especially bewildered by someone knowingly killing police officers.   

  So, HOW can we change to prevent this violence? Violence isn't the start. Some time in the past, this week's killers were children. A healthy, well-adjusted, loved child doesn't one day decide, "hey, I'm going to murder people when I'm older." What does happen, then? I think that often there are the odd kids, the weird kids, the ones who act out or smell, who just don't "fit in". Not surprisingly, once a kid is shoved to the side, that status sticks. Those kids are outcasts, and both other kids and their teachers shun them, usually not out of deliberate cruelty, but casual avoidance of the awkward situation. How often have you stepped over that "outcast line" to pick up something that they dropped, smiled at them just to be friendly, chose them for your team, asked them to have a cup of coffee with you, posted a message online just to cheer them? You prevent violence with love and connection.    Part of the public response has been a loud outcry of "F--- thoughts and prayers! We need gun control!" I don't dispute that gun control is beneficial, and I do support legislation changes. However... no one can tell me that my Christian prayers are useless. You see, I pray with my mind, soul, AND body. Being the body of Christ insists on action. Reaching out to the least of these, the outcasts, the sick, the hurting, is EXACTLY what welcoming in Jesus' name looks like. Friends, here is my challenge to you: reach out. Realize where you are comfortable and take a couple steps beyond that. Part of this for me is this blog post. I frequently have strong opinions about current events, but don't voice them because I'd rather not stir the pot. Well, reading that others don't value my prayers, and in fact, see them as useless, motivated me to step out in faith. Find someone who needs love and give it. Then find two. Then more! One person CAN make a difference, and not simply for evil. Join me in living as the body of Christ, and each one of our efforts can ripple. I may not be able to change the world, but I will work on my part of it, and I hope AND PRAY that you will too.

We, as flawed sinners, will not be perfect, but with God's help, we CAN do better.

My 2018 Word of the Year

Several years ago, I fell into focusing my year around a single word. Those words have been ones like: accept, grace, simplify, rest. This year, I was beginning to think that this would be a different plan, as I just had no specific words that "felt" right, until today...

Share.

No, I don't mean like the toddler's mama, constantly reminding her little one to balance "mine" with "yours". This is more aligned with sharing my life, my thoughts and feelings, more honestly with others. I don't lie about my life, but I do keep much of my worries and struggles, my wants and desires, my truest self, hidden. It sounds amusing to say when I'm blogging this, but I hesitate to let people in to my heart, because I fear that they'd see ME, and turn away.

My husband has urged me to be more open and share more for years. As he's told me many times, "connection grows from shared weaknesses, not strengths". He's got a lot of wisdom behind this, but openness scared me. I'm still scared about being "too" open, but I think I'm seeing this a little differently now, too. I'm not going to be open just for the sake of openness; no, I'm going to be sharing myself, more of myself, with the people who already know and love me. Instead of burying it and maybe being a little more distant, I'll share if my feelings are hurt. I'll share what struggles that I'm going through, and I'll share more of the moments that take my breath away or warm my heart. I'll be more honest in sharing what I really think, instead of simply zipping my lips. This is an area that God's pushing me to grow into more for His glory, and I have to try.

So, what about you? Do you make resolutions, use a focus word, or no change with the new year?